'Tis better to have loved and lost...

Yesterday morning I ran into my ex-fiancee, or rather, I saw her in front of the theater and decided I would see the movie another time. It's odd how your heart and memory plays tricks on you. Ever since I moved back home to this small college town, I knew that eventually we would run into one another, and that we would both have to face the past. However, I've adamantly stated time and time again that when we see each other again it would be, "on my terms," a statement I still stand by.
As for yesterday, when I got up, showered, and dressed, I stared in the mirror for a long moment and told myself, "You're going to see Jenny today." I laughed, didn't shave, and didn't take a care in the fact that my hair and clothes looked like they hadn't been touched in over a month (it had mind you, but they had the appearance of sloveness). I gathered my keys and such, and headed out the door. The radio played songs that we had danced to at her prom, and still I didn't get the hint. Every warning I could have been given, I ignored, I was feeling far to good for any kind of old feelings. I pulled up to the theater, peered through the rain-covered windshield towards the box office, and there she was. All of the sudden two years away from her didn't seem long enough, or far enough, away.
Jenny and I met in high school like most first loves. She was a senior and I was a junior. Two of her friends had a class with me and asked if I had a date for prom, since I was new to the area, I had few friends and even fewer prospects. They said they had a friend that was refusing to go to prom since all of her girlfriends hasd dates and she did not. We met the next afternoon after school and began talking, those conversations you have late at night that last almost until it is time to get up in the morning. A few weeks later we began dating, our first date was the night before her prom, as was our first kiss, which happened to be my first period (I was the epitome of a late bloomer). We were inseparable for the next two years, and were engaged, though no one knew and there was no ring (I was a dirt poor college student).
The year following our separation was a brutal concoction of tender moments where nothing seemed to have changed, and times when it seemed like I scarcely existed. About this time I found out a friend I had had since childhood was in a bad place emotionally and needed me. Using this as an excuse to run away from Jenny, I left that summer. She knew I was leaving, though I had never told her personally, but neither of us found a way to pick up the phone and say good-bye.
All of the sudden there she was again, smiling and laughing the way I had dreamed for the past two years, even though I prayed not to. In that moment I remembered what she smelled like, her favorite body spray, what her scar felt like beneath my fingers, how I loved to tickle that scar until she pushed me away and then kissed me, I remembered what her velvet bras felt like, and how it felt to squeeze onto a small couch with her, getting as close as possible to one another while we watched movies. I remembered things I would have sworn I'd forgotten, and that I wished I would have never been able to recall.
I ran like my cat does from the thunder outside, I ran and hid. On my way home I actually had to stop to throw up. My mother later said she didn't know what it was, but that I still have a connection to 'that girl' (they refuse to use her name in my presence anymore), and that it had to be unhealthy. I had the worst headache I've ever had, and felt like doing absolutely nothing. And that, is how I've left it for the moment. Eventually all of these emotions, memories, and fears will have to be dealt with. One day, Jenny and I will have to stop and take one more moment for each other. I don't know what it'll be like, all I know is that it wasn't yesterday, and I wish it yesterday could just fade away too.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

Today is one of those dreary cloudy, occasionally rainy, days that you just want to stay inside and watch movies, read a good book, or curl up with someone warm next to you (in my case it is my forever loyal cat Autumn). So, for those of you in the same mood I'm in here's some recommendations for you. As for everyone else, if the sun is out, how come you're not in it? Take my advice away for another day, when it's dismal in your neck of the woods, and get outside now. Move it mister, I mean you!

Books:
Blankets by Craig Thompson. It's the story we've all lived through, it's the story of boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, fires and passions, and boy watches it all crumble within in hands and doesn't really know why.
A Painted House by John Grisham. If you're expecting a courtroom of the bizarre, it's best not to pick this book up. A more true portrayal of life in the south I've almost never seen.
The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis. This was my favorite book growing up as a child (a close second was The Hobbit), I put this in here only to remind you that your favorite book as a child is still waiting to enchant you again.
Any collection of poetry from Frost, Whitman, Saigyo, or Keats.

Movies:
Casablanca, a classic, I can't say anything else.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl, Adventure, romance, and, oh yeah, pirates!
Dead Poets Society, my English roots are showing aren't they? Seriously though, a great coming-of-age story, much in the same vein as A Separate Peace.
Bed of Roses or Legends of the Fall, both excellent stories, so I give you a choice, typical romance, or tragic romance.

If you're looking for good music for today, try John Mayer, Camille Saint-Saens, or a collection of classic jazz. Oh, and one other thing, we all know that politics governs our daily lives (no pun intended), and this year is an election year, so I want all of you able to get out there and vote. Here's a site to help you all out: www.registerandvote2004.com.

Convenient Amnesia

Over the past few days I've been reading the 9-11 Commission Report. The gruesome details that fill the first few pages aren't what shock me the most. What hits the hardest is how much I've forgotten I knew, how much I've forgotten about what that day, and the subsequent days that followed, felt like. I remember trying to reach my fiancee at the time, and leaving a note for her, trying to reach my uncle who work at the Pentagon (it was five days before anyone was able to actually reach him), and rushing to the day care center I worked at because I wanted to know the kids I lived each day for were as perfect as the last time I left them. It seems hysterical now, but that's all I could think about for those first few moments. Then I spent the rest of my time awash in the horrific images and sounds that the rest of the world was watching with me. I remember, like almost everyone out there, where exactly I was when I saw the first plane, and when I saw the second and realized what was happening. I'll spare you the details because each of you know them, you lived them too. This wasn't what I wanted to write about today, there were happier thoughts on my mind this morning, but they aren't that important any longer, they'll still be just as interesting tomorrow. Today, I want to give you a message instead. None of us are ever going to forget about those long days of September, but with time the edges of the memories will fade. What I hope for each of you is that those fateful days brought you closer to someone, some idea, some purpose that's always been on the fringe of your lives. You may not know it, but those little things that all of the sudden meant so much to you, that is your hope. For me it's kind of ironic, those children were my hopes, and I left them about a year after that to do other things. This morning as I was reading the report I received a call that my application had been green lit and that soon I'll be working at the same day care again with many of the same children. I just thought you might find some hope for yourself in that.

Between Rainclouds

Hello.  I bet you're wondering what you're doing here? Well, to be honest so am I. Why would anyone want to read the story of my daily life and the odd stories I come across, create, and sometime find myself living in? Well, those are question you have to answer for yourself I guess. As for me, who am I?
I was born on 10 December 1981 on a very cold day in Tampa, FL, and as if that weren't ironic enough, my life continually founds ways to surprise all those around me. But here's the basic you need to know to carry on well here. Two years ago I dropped out of college to wonder around the world (or the continently US, the choice is yours) to gain life experience. I've written poetry, stories, and novels for my own amusement since I was about fifteen.  I've worked on a screenplay for friends, details forthcoming in the distant future (about the time we colonize Mars at this point). So I like to write and I like to experience anything the world has to offer me. I'm probably one of the most honest people you could ever meet, but I've lied to my closest friends on multiple occasions. Sometimes so that they wouldn't be frightened of the kind of person I can really be, sometimes just out of the curiosity of how a situation could end given a different direction, and sometimes for their own good, but I've never lied with malice as my intent. I love mythos', almost all elements of fantasy, and anything that can happen in one's life that everyone would think of as completely beyond the fantastic.
I hope I haven't scared all of you away yet, because this, to me, is my greatest adventure yet, and I've had plenty. This is the light in the closest of my skeletons.